Living Phileo

when were alarm clocks invented anyway?

**i wrote this on sept 14, and just now got around to posting.**

did people live healthier lives when they woke up and went to sleep with the sun, doing only the work that was needed for that day? i bet it at least was a whole lot simpler. that's just one of the random thoughts that i have this morning... this 3:51am morning, to be exact. 

i've been waking up around 3 or so every morning, hungry and wide awake. usually i just find something to eat and then lay in bed for an hour or so until i fall back asleep, but today i thought i'd try to blog or have a quiet time or something that was more mentally stimulating than laying in bed, wishing i were asleep. 

i'm 36 weeks this week. blair thinks the baby is coming early, around 38 weeks. everyone here at camp can't imagine me going to full term, or even later... they say i'm just too big. we'll see though. i'm getting more nervous about the actual birth experience. i suppose that's normal... even Jesus acknowledged that there's a level of sorrow when a woman's time to give birth comes, but thankfully, the joy that comes after replaces any sorrow! (John 16:21). 

I'm going to attend a woman's bible study at our church today. It's a study by Dr. David Jeremiah on "Revealing the Mysteries of Heaven". I'm apprehensive about that as well... have I ever told each of you how freaked out I get by eternity? I do. literally. I have severe anxiety attacks and end up crying and hyperventilating if i think about it too much, which is ridiculous and so opposite of the command to hope in Heaven. So i suppose that i'm happy the bible study happens to be about this... i do want to grow. i want to have a biblical perspective about Heaven and eternity that surpasses mental assent and secures itself deep in my soul. i'm just nervous about what it takes to get there. 

speaking of, blair recently commented on how unsettled i get about the unknown factor of life. and i suppose that's true. not sure if that needs to change, or if some level of "ahhh!??" is okay when i consider future events? i don't know that it upsets my peace or my trust in the sovereignty of God... it just makes me shake in my boots a little to consider the BIG things ahead of me (like parenthood, my marriage changing, my whole life's schedule changing, etc.)

i made a delicious pesto yesterday from the basil in my garden. i love being resourceful and eating the fruit of the earth! Blair went dove hunting this past saturday, and i'm going to make a dove pot pie this week. i just love all this organic living. :) 

and speaking of organic living, there's a couple in my church that i'm beginning to get to know who has a similar mindset and decision making process that blair and i have about life and family. they have 4 kids, and are pregnant with their 5th, and they cloth diaper and use midwives and... well i'm not sure what else yet, but i'm excited to find out. it's nice to know that we have company down here with similar values.

oh. i just realized that my due date is a month from today. fun. 

and earlier last week was our 2 year anniversary for moving to texas. weird. how fast it has gone.

i'm so thankful for how our God answers prayer and cares for our hearts. 2 years ago i was an emotional wreck, and my poor husband had no idea what to do with his new wife. having just been married and then moving, which involved changing locations, jobs, churches, friend groups, and community was overwhelming to the both of us, and we both dealt with the change in differing ways. blair overworked himself, and i think i just moped and cried (at least his was productive!) but now we love our lives here, even though it can still be challenging. God brought us to a biblically focused church, developed encouraging relationships with those here at camp, gave us grace over our house to help my little heart feel at home, and gave us satisfaction and joy in our employment. And over all of this He has matured our marriage and trust in each other. How great is our God!

computer's going to die... i should try to sleep now (4:11am). 

my summer debrief

Is summer 2010 really over? It feels surreal. I now have time to finally “be pregnant” as I’ve been saying for the last 3 months. And the new life stage ahead seems so … new. And potentially hazardous and challenging and stressful. But exciting… I feel so excited about having the baby and being a stay at home mom and managing our house. I know I have an idyllic view of it right now… I see myself in cute (skinny) clothes again, with a baby on my hip, singing while I do the dishes, cook meals, gather chicken eggs and work in the garden, having time to have quiet times and pursue relationships and be a good wife. In my idyllic version of this new season, there are very few poopy diapers and late nights, arguments and miscommunications, tiredness, and in summary, the Flesh is absent from my mental version of my new life.

 

I thought I should debrief the summer as I have with my girl counselors. Hopefully that will enable me to see the summer holistically, and adapt to 8 hour work days instead of 14, time for morning tea and quiet times, and QUALITY time with my love, Blair. Here’s the questions:

 

What goals did I have going into this summer?

I had three – I wanted to effectively manage and dedicate time and heart to my pregnancy, my marriage, and my girls (counselors).

 

Were your goals met? Do you have regrets/disappointments?

Effectively manage?? NO. that did not happen. I think I had higher, unprocessed expectations for myself than I realized. My pregnancy trumped a lot of things, in a lot of ways, it seems. I feel like I wasn’t dependable as a co-director. That was difficult for me, to feel like I was letting people down around me. I had a difficult time getting into the hearts of my counselors, and I don’t feel like I loved them as well as I could’ve. My marriage is great, I think. (from my perspective, anyway). I really enjoy seeing my husband in his element, loving what he does. He’s a fantastic summer camp director. I feel like we worked through a big “loop hole” in our relationship – how we handle disagreement in decision making – and that was very encouraging to me. I enjoy him, am happy we’re married, and excited to do this next stage of life with him.

 

I suppose my disappointments are mostly in myself… I feel like I could’ve done more to take care of the staff. But I also felt limited by my pregnancy and my stamina/physical energy and limits.

 

How did you grow as a person and in your relationship with God this summer?

I would say that the opportunity for growth was always present… I’m not sure if I always took advantage of that. I know that recently I’ve been reading/learning about the Holy Spirit (Forgotten God, by Francis Chan) and challenged by my perception of the Holy Spirit and His involvement in my life. I feel like my prayer life has changed in the last few weeks as I’ve digested truth about the Spirit, choosing to really believe Him and step out in faith. I hope that continues to deepen?

 

I feel like I’ve grown as a wife and a support for Blair. That might be just because I feel like we’re doing really well right now, but that’s growth, right? J I’ve been reminded in many ways this summer that I must choose to submit to Christ, and if I do not submit to Blair I am not submitted to Christ.

 

Tangenting, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not KNOW things? If I had never read the bible, been to church, or around other believers, everything would be new and revolutionary to me. Sometimes I feel like what I KNOW gets in the way, and inhibits my obedience (along with other inhibiting factors like sin and the flesh and the devil. But you know what I mean.) If I read something for the first time, would I, in child-like faith, follow it obediently and mold my life around it? Hmm, thoughts.

 

What was it like to work with the HW staff team?

It was very different this year. I think I’m still learning to release personal expectations of the staff, based upon last year’s staff. I feel like they didn’t form/storm/norm well… as blair says, they’re on a ‘personal’ level of relationship, not an ‘intimate’ one. And maybe that’s the only difference. I personally dislike and defy anything that seems false, fake, superficial, and devoid of authenticity. And, I have to remember that I’m 5-6 years older than most of my staff. I’m not sure how authentic I was at 20 years of age. So maybe they are as ‘real’ as they know how to be… but it was difficult to get into their hearts. I really love them all, and they did a phenomenal job this summer. I am not disappointed by them, but I hope for more? (is that a contradiction?)

 

I did really love having Leah and Biscuit to help with the program… they were a God-send, literally. Blair and I could not have done the program without them.

 

What changes do you want to make in your life as a result of this summer?

I want to pursue these girls, and continue to get to know them and encourage them to love Jesus more. I want to keep pursuing mandy and alayna, and see them grow into godly young women. I want to live by FAITH in the Son of God who loves me and gave himself for me. I want to grow in my ‘exercising’ faith in the Holy Spirit, and be changed by Him.

 

What are steps you will take to enact this change and who will keep you accountable?

My husband is my best accountability partner, along with all my friends.

 

Tangenting again, but I really have been blessed in life with incredible friends. I know some people who are only close to a few people, or don’t have someone close to them in whatever new stage of life they’re in. I am so blessed to have my forever friends, my high school friends, my family of course, my college friends, Chicago friends, and now camp eagle friends. I wonder if God just knew that I couldn’t hack it without deep relationships around me? J

 

I think with keeping up with relationships, I just have to do it, and be faithful to the commitment I made to them (though most of them are unaware of this commitment.) 

i feel like an idiot, trying to figure out twitter and feed your stash giveaways.

do you know that moms are intense? let me tell you, there are a ridiculous amounts of good websites that offer free giveaways, as long as you help them socially network via fb, twitter, and blogs. so i'm trying to break into the scene and win some free goodies for cloth diapering. here's one example: 

http://www.29diapers.com/2010/07/15/prefold-lovers-this-is-for-you-a-snappi-giveaway/comment-page-1/#comment-2625

(which is a site i really like, by the way, and is helpful for new cloth diapering mommies like me.) so wish me luck!

ignore the cheesy facial expression - my counselor keri and i were joking and taking model photos by the tree, but ended up mostly laughing. :) but here i am at 25.5 weeks prego.

week 25.5 - deep breaths

it's week 25 and a half of my pregnancy, and week 5 of summer camp. updates:

Prego-ness:

so far so good. i did start experiencing brackston-hicks (sp?) contractions this past weekend, coupled with heartburn and indigestion. i'm hoping that combo was a one-time special only. the unfortunate thing is that i believe the heartburn was caused by a terrific steak grilled by my husband... so does that mean i need to lay off the steak? lets hope not. 

the midwives say i'm progressing nicely - and that i can't drink dr. pepper. (that was the only hiccup in the last check-up. and i very rarely have cokes!) baby is getting big, and i've gained about 11lbs. i'm currently reading up on birthing classes, and which ones are offered in the area. any suggestions? 

Regular Life:

my parents came in town this past weekend, which was really refreshing and made me think that i live closer to my family than i actually do. i hope it was restful for them too. 

blair and i are figuring out where to take a trip before the baby comes (and after summer, of course). i'm pulling for seattle. :)

Summer Camp:

is in full swing! the counselors are all getting the hang of it, and doing really well. i'm praying that God will continue to give them (and us) energy, wisdom, patience, and the conviction to proclaim Christ at every opportunity. 

Praise God that we have had no serious accidents/incidents this summer! that is a huge blessing, and i'm asking that He will continue to cover us under His mighty wings. 

Praise God for salvation that has come to our campers! One of our campers - a returner - accepted the Lord, and we're so stoked to see the life-change already at work in him. 

i'm off to take photos... actually i'm going to call debi first. then take photos.

Week 21-training is over, summer is here, and i am huge.

or so i feel, and yet i'm only halfway through the prego-ness and have only gained about 5lbs. (i'd like to think that baby is more than that, and that i've burned off fat while hiking everywhere during staff training.)

our three weeks with the counselors are pulling to a close, and kiddos will arrive on sunday at 3pm! i feel a wide range of emotions, but i think the one that trumps them all is "AHHHH OVERWHELMEDNESS!!!" I love my counselors, i'm so excited for this summer of ministry and the opportunities ahead, but i am so anxious/nervous/concerned? about feeling overwhelmed, tired, strung out, and incompetent. i think it will be a good opportunity for me to grow in my ability to trust the Lord to provide EVERYTHING for EVERY moment. 

tomorrow i think will be a half day of work, and half day of rest... i'm looking forward to some rejuvenating time with Jesus. 

Week 18 - summer camp and baby kicks

yep, both are starting! summer camp, and me being able to feel the kiddo move. (at least i think that's what's happening behind my belly button.)

staff arrive tomorrow, and i think i'm ready? i feel a lot more calm today than i did a few days ago. I was stressed out about what needed to be accomplished, and of course, i just want to sleep when i get exhausted, which doesn't get anything done. but i had a sweet time with the Lord in which he reminded me, that He gives:

strength to the weary

encouragement to the overwhelmed

wisdom to the simple

and reminded me that i am just a branch, and my job is to rely on Him fully. since then i've been calm. :) 

baby is doing fine, i think. my next appointment is on the 31st, so i guess i'll know more then that baby is fine. :) all my friends are having babies NOW ... i just wish my baby could come now too! but i'm happy to have a 2nd summer at CE before mommyhood takes over.

Week 15 - twizzlers, diarrhea, flooding, and lots of men

Thus far, i've been relatively sick-less throughout the pregnancy. This week however, and last week have not been so enjoyable. there has been a nausea/diarrhea bug flying around camp, and i think all but 3 of the full time staff have been affected. I definitely haven't had it as bad as others, but it's made it an interesting week at work, with people dropping like flies everywhere. We also had minor flooding last weekend, which was a possible cause of the poo-bug, (contaminated water in the well), so that was interesting as well. and now there are lots of men here, and will be more next weekend too. it's SEARCH weekend, a time for some of our board members to bring out 200+ of their buddies, drink a lot of beer and smoke cigars, and act like men. it's been kinda fun though. 

last sunday was our 2nd anniversary (April 18) and we went to san antonio sea world! i'll put up pictures soon. we stayed in a hotel overnight, but both of us were sick on monday, so we went home early. and yesterday was 3 years since blair first asked me to "grab a cup of coffee" with him before getting together with friends. seems fast, and slow, all at the same time. chicago in general just feels like a lifetime ago, i think. 

as a follow up from the last blog - when i was at sunday school last week, my class was discussing a woman's call to be kind (Titus 2). we discussed three areas which makes kindness difficult - anger, bitterness, and judging. it was good discussion, but what i left with was what kathy kerr said. i won't quote perfectly, but she said something along the lines of, "when we mess up, the devil tells us, 'you're a failure'. and it's difficult not to believe him." that was helpful for me, since i have felt like a failure in my role. it's helpful to remember that God won't ever call me that - if i hear it, it's what the devil would say to me. anyways, there's my follow up thoughts.

next item on my agenda for the day is dinner prep ---- so should i go work on the nurses station, or take a nap?

Week 14 - 14.5 days and counting

That's 14.5 days of primary responsibility work days until summer staff arrive.....AHHH!! it'll be good. allllll good. once they arrive. but until then, i'm afraid it's going to be one giant hairy mess around here. 

Week 13 of pregnancy was full of indigestion problems and lack of sleep - nothing to write about. so that is all you get to know about week 13. :) 

This week so far has started out better... This weekend was going to be our Preview Day, but it's been raining and flooding here at camp, so we had to cancel. Sunday is my 2nd anniversary, and we're going to San Antonio Sea World! and staying in a hotel. I did have jury duty on monday morning at 9am, but i postponed it, so i think i'm covered. 

Our chicks are doing well... did i tell you that our first round of chicks all got eaten by a hawk/weasel/squidget?? (i vote squidget- that dog is insufferable) and so we found all 8 of our baby chicks slaughtered one afternoon. The next day we bought new ones (12, actually) and they've outlasted the others by a week, so i think it might be safe to say we WILL have chickens/eggs. unless they're all roosters. then we will just eat a lot of chicken.

I've been thinking alot about what it means to be a wife/stay-at-home-mom/manager of my household. What an immense calling! It's difficult not to feel like an utter failure when i read God's job description for me: "train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled." and again  in 1 Timothy, "bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander." and then the whole list of what it means to love, and the ultimate, Proverbs 31. I don't really have more thoughts besides that - it is an overwhelming calling, difficult to believe that God has equipped me for it, and difficult to believe that i'm not failing miserably. 

fun stuff.

off to a pot luck - love to you.

Week 12.8 - worst pregnancy dream thus far

So i had this dream last night that i went to starbucks (the one i used to work at), and it was closing time and they were going to throw out a slice of chocolate cake with buttercream filling. i wheedled my way into securing the piece of chocolate cake, and took a good bite. the buttercream of the filling was ONLY butter... just butter. and that's about all i had put in my mouth. So in my dream i was stuck with this mouth full of butter, and it kept expanding and choking me on butter. and i woke up, still with the taste of butter in my mouth. so i laid awake for awhile, trying to think of 1,000 other tastes besides butter. it didn't work well. so, all that to say i think i'll take a hiatus from butter on anything for a long while. 

picture of the enemy: